Batman's burn out
by Room 1408
Summary: Batman is tired of the Joker for escaping Arkham over and over again. So he came out with the perfect plan to get rid of the Clown Prince.. for good. CRACK FIC! Implied Batsy/joker
1. Chapter 1

C'était une journée normale à Gotham

**WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING**

You might want to read this before reading our fic :

-First, we don't own Batman. If we did, Batman would be waaaay more fun. And wearing clown make-up! Bwahaha!

-Second, this is a CRACK-FIC. Everyone are craaaaazyyy!! Except the Joker, who already is. Oh, and Alfred. Because Alfred is always sane. Yeah. We love you Alfred.

-Thirldy, if you don't know who Harley Queen is, theeen you might not get some jokes about her. So there: she was a psychologist who worked at Arkham asylum, and she fell in love with the Joker. So she went craaaazy and became his sidekick. Yep. That's all, folks.

-And FINALLY.. Gordon won't be in this fic. Because Gordy's a good cop, and we're mocking cops here. So let's say he's in vacation with his lovely wife and his lovely kids. So here's faaar aaawaaaaay from Gotham city, and he leaves Batman aaaall aalooone with those stupid cops. Poor Batsy.

Oh.. and if you're a cop or your daddy's a cop, or your're mommy –anywway, please don't sue us. No seriously, DON'T!!

**Batman's burn out**

It was a usual day at Gotham city. Batman had just captured the Joker and was waiting for the cops, who arrived shortly.

« Nice catch Batman! »

« Yeah, nice catch! » said a police officer, a doughnut between his fingers.

« See ya in a week Batsy! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!'

« Right… »

« Don't worry Batman; I assure you that this time he'll stay in Arkham for _good_. We created a cell especially for him. There's no way he'll escape."

This only made the Joker smile wider.

"It was about time…" murmured the dark detective before leaving.

Honestly, Batman had enough of purchasing Joker. He couldn't rest anymore and it was always _him_ who had to catch him _every single time_. No one was helping him, but what bothered him the most was that no cell could keep him for over a month. That really shocked him. That night he almost gave them a piece of his mind but restrained himself.

At least this time he could rest a little. So, he went back to the mansion, quickly changed and went to bed. Just as he was about to lie down, he hear the bat-signal.

« What _now_? » he said in a deep voice. He got up quickly to go find out what crime had been committed, and realised that the Joker had escaped. Again.

« …Damn it!! A new special cell, huh? Well done!! Idiots… »

And it was with anger and annoyance that he changed and went away.

On his way to Arkham he found and caught the Joker who was just "passing-by".

« Batsy!! » Before he could continue with one of his terrible jokes, he threw him into the bat-mobile and bound him to his seat.

« That new cell was _amazing._ You should've been there, Batsy! There were lazers everywhere, and guards!! But, heh, what can I say? -Nothing can keep me away from _you._ Not even a hundred of guards… But you look grumpy tonight my little Batsy!! You didn't even let me finish my plan –you just caught me! Like that! Is this the time when bats are- ?"

"Shut up!!"

"Oooooh! Batsy's angry! Very, very, very, very, very angry! »

« I said: _SHUT UP_. »

And to his surprise, the Joker listened, a wide smile on his face.

« And stop smiling. »

« But you know I can't-'

« Alright, alright, just shut up!! »

Once at the police station, he kicked the door open and let the now-bound-Joker fall next to him, looking quite pissed.

« Alright. Why wasn't there _ANY_ police car chasing him!? »

But all the police men seemed to ignore him.

« Hey, well done Batman! You've caught the Joker again! »

« Yeah, good job! This time we have a cell specially for- "

« _**SHUT UUUP!!**_ »

Everyone fell silent immediately, and the Batman just lost the last drop of patience that he had left.

« Okay. Do you know what pisses me off the most? It's not about the_ Joker_ who escaped Arkahm again, _noooo_. He just does his job as a _psychopath!"_

The Joker approved with a nod of the head.

« Hey did I say you could move! »

« Aw comon Batsy- »

« Stop calling me _BATSY!!_ It's _BATMAN!!_ You can call me _The Bat_, you can call me _The man of bats_, I don't care, but not _BATSY!!_ It's too _sisi_ and… intimate for a nickname!"

"We see each other almost every day."

« Shut up!! That not true- in fact, yes, it is, and it's all _YOUR_ FAULT!! » he yelled, pointing each of the policemen.

« I don't see what you mean. » murmured the doughnut man.

« SHUT. _UP_. EVERYONE. Now I'M the one talking!! Usually I don't talk very much, but this time I'll speak up!!

It' against _YOU_ that I have a grudge; _you,_ the police of Gotham!! You can't even do your job at keeping _one man_ in that god damn asylum, when this man is completely insane!! It should be easy, right!? I need to sleep too!! I'm _HUMAN_!! You're not the one who chases him, _I AM_!!"

"Eehh… mister Batman-"

"-**WHAAAAT!!"**

A shy young police man spoke up. "Uhh... you see, sir-"

« -**WHAT, WHAT IS IT!!** »

« Eeeerr… well, i-in t-this book wich is called : _The Police Code of Gotham_- »

« -**WHAAT?! WHAT ABOUT THAT BOOK!? **»

« You go, Batsy! Show him who's the man between you two!! Let me be proud of you! I always wanted to see you scream at a police officer, this moment is _orgasmic_!!"

« IT'S _BATMAN_!! BAT. MAN. And, you, what about that book?! »

« W-well… » the poor man was totally intimidated. It was his first day as a police officer. "Well, sir (cough), about our _Police Code_ of Gotham city… Rule number two, and I quote: Ahem... _If the Joker, or Penguin, or any villain –but specially the Joker- escapes, it's for the Batman to catch him, and the police __must not__ interfere into their battle…_"

…There was a long silence, and Batman sighed before rubbing his temples.

« Alright… alright, alright, alright… I don't mind if I have to capture him… »

« _Really_ Batsy!! »

And the Joker got hit on the ribs.

« I'm a beat up woman!! »

« _SHUT UP!!_ »

And Batman did something very intelligent: he covered the Joker's mouth.

« Alright… as I was saying : I don't mind if I have to capture him… but if you could at _**least**_keep him locked up when I catch him?! Is it too much to ask!! Isn't there _anyone_ to watch him?"

« Er.. well… » the doughnut man started speaking, « ever since Harley… no one wants to watch him anymore…"

Again the silence.

« You've _got_ to be kidding. »

« Er, no… he scares everyone… in Arkham. »

Small laugh from the Joker. Another kick from the Batman.

« …and the only person who wasn't afraid of him was Harley, and we all know what happened to her…"

Another laugh from Joker. Another kick from the dark detective.

« Well you know what? _Screw you_!! I have no choice now: I'll do the only thing that none has ever though of doing! You'll see… you'll all see!!"

_**At the mansion…**_

« Sir, you did WHAT?! »

« You've heard right Alfred. The Joker is in the basement. »

There was silence, and a long laugh could be heard downstairs.

.

« ..Master Wayne… could you explain me what came to your MIND!?"

« It's very simple Alfred. They can't keep him at Arkham, then I'll keep him myself! It's finished for the Joker; he'll never go back to the streets of Gotham _ever_ again. »

« He's in your cave, sir. »

« I know, I know. All I'll have to do is to feed him three times a day, to give him new cloths, wash him up once in a while, and that's all. Piece of cake."

"..He's not an animal!! He's your worst enemy, who is in YOUR basement!!"

« Ahh, Alfred… he's in the bat-cage (xD). And with him out of the way, it'll be like 90 of my job is done."

« But _sir_!! You've brought the _enemy _in the bat-cave!! What will you do if he frees himself and discovers who you are!? »

Other silence.

« Oh god Alfred. I did something really stupid. »

«That you can say, sir. »

« ..You weren't supposed to answer that… but yeah. I guess it's one of those moments you'll have to say: _I told you so_."

« Actually master Wayne… I can't. I would've never though that one day you'd bring the Joker to our secret hide-out. And sir, I have to tell you that from all the things you've done, this one is by far the most stupid, the most irresponsible, the most insane, the most unthinkable-"

« Alright, I get it!! ..But I still think we'll have to keep him… »

« ..You really talk about him like he was some kind of animal. »

« Well, it's half true when you think about it.. »

Alfred stared at him.

« ..What? Men come from monkeys. And the Joker is anything but human anyway..."

« …I don't like it, sir. I have terrible bad feeling.."

« Relax, Alfred. What could possibly go wrong? »

Author's note :

Ho, you'll see Brucey, you'll see… xD


	2. Chapter 2

**Batman's burn out**

« So this is where you live, Bruce? »

« Yep. It's my big and modest house. »

« It's so big, it's so beautiful, it' so-"

« -Bwahahahaha!! »

« What was that!? » said the frightened young lady, hiding behind the billionaire.

« You heard something? I didn't. How about some music? »

Nervously, Bruce went to turn on the radio and turned toward the beautiful young lady and, to change the atmosphere, said:

« So, Rita. Would you like to dance? »

Hypnotized by his beautiful blue eyes, the young woman agreed to the invitation, and they started dancing. Locking their eyes, the two lovers were contemplating each other, their lips almost touching; Rita could feel her breath mixing with his own and-"

« AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! »

"That's it! I'll be right back, Rita."

Bruce walked toward the cave, opened the door and yelled: « _SHUT UUUUP!!_ »

The bats' flapping could be heard, and then silence. The billionaire smiled before closing the door behind him.

« So Rita, where were we? …Already gone? Women! No patience at all."

Bruce turned his attention toward the clock.

« ..Well. It looks like I have a clown to feed anyway. »

So he went to the kitchen and took a food plate before going back to the Batcave.

« BATSY!! Oooh, and with food, too! My love for you just increased. »

« Do you want to eat or what? »

« Yees. »

Batman gave him the plate through the Batcage's bars. "What were you laughing about?"

« Oh _come on, _Bats. You were dating someone who's called Rita! Just for that I should change her into a clown. »

« …You could hear _everything_ we said?! »

« Just some parts. » The Joker started laughing. « _Rita, would you allow me this dance?? »_

« I never said- and why am I talking to you anyway? You're a prisoner. _Eat_."

« Because you think I'm funny and joyful and you like my presence?!"

« In fact, two minutes ago I would've kill it… »

The Joker gasped.

« ..Er… forget what I just said. Killing is bad, killing is bad, killing is bad –I am a lawman, I save lifes, I don't kill them. Even if they are…"

« …Yes? »

« ..Even if they are… »

« _Yeeeeesss?!_ »

« …Just _eat._ »

The Joker continued laughing while eating his plate of Kraft diner.

« By the way, since I didn't have anything to do in _my_ cage, I've decided to domesticate some of your bats! You'll recognize them pretty quickly."

At the same moment, three bats with red lipstick flied above their heads.

« …I knew letting you keep your make-up was a bad idea..."

« Hehehe. »

Several days passed by and crime rate continued to lower. This surprised a lot of people… but Batman. And as days became weeks they became used to the Joker's presence… well, Batman did. Although Alfred felt uneasy and was worried about his master's health, who lately did not seem to be himself.

« …Sir? »

« Yes Alfred? Just a minute. Say : _Aaaah_. »

« Sir!! Stop right now! He is _not_ an _animal_!! »

« _Aaaah!_ »

« I know Alfred. He's a prisoner. But I'm forced to feed him this way; imagine what he could do with a simple spoon."

« Yeah Alfred. » munch munch. « I could do _a lot_ of things with a spoon."

Yep, Alfred had finally decided to show himself to the Joker after all. Of course, it has been a whole month since he was the there- and anyway, who knew Alfred in Gotham city? (A/N: We love you Alfred.)

« Mister Batman, we need to talk. »

« Go on Alfred, I'm listening. »

His attention went to the Joker, who was looking at him with the biggest smile on the world.

« Aww.. Alfred, you're hiding things from me? I'm hurt… Even if I've been _such_ a good clown."

« Yeah Alfred, I don't see where's the probl-"

« SIR!! »

« Allright, allright. »

So they left the Batcave.

"Allright Alfred. What is it?"

« He has to go, sir! You've been –you changed since he's here, and he looks too pleased to be here, and you too seem to be happy! That's what worries me sir; for him it's normal, but _you_?!"

« Alfred, I really don't see what you're talking about. You should know that I'm upset by his presence as well."

Alfred gave him a cold look.

« I'm just used to his presence now, Alfred. And who knows? Maybe he'll stay here forever."

Those words echoed in Alfred's mind, and he felt panic creeping on him. He had to do something now or things will start to be… stranger then they already were.

But what…?

He then waited for Mr. Bruce to go shopping (indeed he had sent him for grocery shopping, which risked to take a lot of time because it was so _new_ to him); now he had time to think of something…

_**At the grocery store…**_

« Excuse-me sir. »

« …Yes? »

« It's the first time that I come here. »

« …You mean it's the first time you come to this market? »

« No, no, no, in fact it's the first time that I shop. »

« …Uh huh... »

« So I guess it's you that I have to talk to. Do you see this list?"

« ..Yes… »

« Bring me everything that's in it. Go on, hurry up!"

« Er… »

_**Back to**__** the mansion…**_

At that moment Alfred approached the Joker's cell and opened it.

« My dear Joker, I believe that you can go now. »

The Joker looked up at him, unmoved. He was reading the book that his precious Batman had bought him some days ago: _Madness is curable!_

« You didn't hear mister Joker? You are free. Go! The city is waiting for you. »

« Uuh… actualy Alfred, I think I'll stay here. »

Alfred stared at him. « WHAT?! »

« I like it here. I have my Batsy, the food is _ten times _better then at Arkham, and I always have people to talk to. Naaah, I think I'll stay."

He gave him a deathly smile.

« ..Sir, I don't know what you hope to find here, but you won't_._"

« All I want is my little _Batsy_. »

« You should know that 'Batman', as you call him, has a social life! He won't always be here."

« Oh we'll see Alfred, we'll see. » The Joker grinned.

_**At the grocery stores…**_

« Okay, if I give you thirty dollars, would you do my groceries? Come on, just a little service."

« Sir, I have work to do and you're starting to scare me… »

« Fifty dollars then? Come ooon. »

« Boss!! »

« Okay, okay; I'll write you a cheque."

« _BOSS!!_ »

It took two days before Bruce came back to the mansion.

………….

« Sir?! What happend to you? Did something happen?? Did _the Batman_ had to interfere?? »

« Er… »

« You had to fight crime, was that it? »

« Eeeer… »

« …But where are the groceries, sir?? »

« Um.. I don't have them Alfred, and I didn't fight crime either… but didn't come back empty handed: see…"

« …Wait… you are being charged with aggression of a _minor_? »

« Er… »

« …This is the last time I'm letting you do groceries, sir. »

« Heheh… »

**Authors****' note:** I've always dream to see Brucey grocery shopping. XD Okay, we exaggerate a bit, but admit it, it's funny to imagine it.


End file.
